your parents love me but you hate me
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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