remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
