I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
