And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
