I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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