I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
