I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
