then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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