so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
