so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
