i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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