I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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