Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
