If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
