I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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