I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
