Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
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