I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
