my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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