and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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