areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
grandma shit on top of the toilet
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize