even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
