Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Randomize
