I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
