I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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