You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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