3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
