True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
