Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
