through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
