Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
