He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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