I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Randomize