my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
This is the high leading the old right now
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
