It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
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