I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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