LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
my liver is dry heaving
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
