Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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