I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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