oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize