why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
