She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
