I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
