I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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