I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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