Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
