It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
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