Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
