idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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