I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
