She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
