DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Dicks are not precious.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
