Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
