i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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