fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
