I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
