I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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