Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
and you fell through a lawn chair
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
