My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
