stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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