i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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