I seem to have left my pride at pride
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
