I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
