I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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